Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock