What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
hi why am I like this