*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.