Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
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Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.