I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔