I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year