My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
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Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target