[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
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* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.