I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me if I was a dog
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers