HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase