I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I did not eat the cake…
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”