I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
thinking about a very short hotdog
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I like long walks away from everyone
Good morning y’all ☀️
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.