I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Human are so complicated
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead