Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
#Caturday
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.