*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
This is so me 😂😂
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.