my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Pigeon open mic night.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians