At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
You Might Also Like
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
dutch is not a serious language
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
sliding into dms like
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.