Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie