[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
May your day taste like creamy soup.