Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
These 3D printers are insane!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
How I’d get arrested…
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered