When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
good work, detective
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.