Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
You Might Also Like
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.