Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The honesty is refreshing
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
his wife is probably gonna see that
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Sniffing the broccoli
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.