Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?