With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
😎 🍻
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…