[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.