Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Art by Pastelkatto
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok