At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
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“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza