I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.