My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“TGIM!” – My liver
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”