Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.