Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
You Might Also Like
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Baller is short for ballerina
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*