WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
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It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!