Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.