The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now