Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
$4 #usedbooks
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
2022 be like
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I WON A HAM TODAY
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.