Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
they split up moments later
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*