If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one