Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?