I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.