me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
it was love at first sight
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT