I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much