Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.