me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
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Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.