My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Just say no
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.