The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.