[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
can’t bark with your mouth full
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.