*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I identify as an antique shop.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
smh