if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
X-tra spooky blend
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.