i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
You Might Also Like
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
58.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it